Second love and remarriage

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Difficulties and blessings in a second marriage

“The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever” (Psalm 23:1, 6).

The Lord guides us through this life as He wills, for He alone knows what is good for us. We wish to testify to the grace of our beloved Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. For twelve years now, we have lived in peace, harmony, and love in our second marriage. And this is solely through the grace of God, for remarriage is no easy matter. We would like to share our story to encourage you in your faith in our Lord.

Our first marriages

We, Anatoli and Olga Janzen, have been happily and blessedly married for several years. However, this happiness didn't come easily. We had to reflect on our lives and learn to live with our new spouses without comparing ourselves to the past.

Anatoli: “In my first marriage, I lived with my wife Lilia for 32 years, and she gave me twelve beautiful children. For 20 years of our life together, we lived in the Ukrainian city of Kramatorsk. Those were wonderful years of our spiritual formation. Together we learned to serve God faithfully and humbly.”

When the curtain fell on the powerful communist regime, freedom of religion arrived, for which our grandfathers and fathers had fought and suffered. A flood of people poured into the churches. Thousands experienced spiritual hunger. They had a strong desire to learn something about God and to experience Him.

This freedom, however, also brought other opportunities. The borders were opened, and many Germans living in the Soviet Union were allowed to emigrate to Germany. Many of them were religious people. In 1994, my family and I also moved to Germany. Our relatives were already living here. We came to Zweibrücken, where we joined the local church and were able to serve God for many years.

Unexpectedly, a terrible tragedy struck our home. My beloved wife became terminally ill. About two years passed in prayer and in the fight for her health. On June 17, 2006, one of my sons called me to bring the joyful news that we had a grandson. I was overjoyed, but unfortunately, on that very day, I had to deliver the sad news that our dear wife and mother had passed away.

Olga: “God blessed me abundantly. I lived a peaceful and fulfilling life. I had a job, a loving husband, and a beautiful daughter. Together we came to faith in God and entrusted our lives to Him. We tried to keep His commandments because we loved our Savior very much.”

In the 28th year of our marriage, grief suddenly knocked at our door. The Lord took my husband to his heavenly dwelling. Overnight, grief changed all my plans and hopes. I didn't know how to go on living or what to do with myself. Only one thing did I know for sure: My God would not abandon me! I clung to His hands and placed all my hope in Him.

The time of solitude

Anatoli: “Although I still had three unmarried children at home, after about a year and a half I began to feel lonely. My children were often out with other teenagers, so I was home alone a lot. I couldn't find any peace and didn't know what to do with myself. One day I decided to ask God to bless my future, because I didn't know what to do. I also didn't understand what remarriage meant at that time.”

Love your spouse from your first marriage, for if they hadn't left, you wouldn't have each other. Serve one another and be happy together in the second marriage that the Savior has given you. (Anatoli)

Olga: “After my husband’s death, the pain subsided only slowly. Life went on, and I had to go through this dark part of my life as well. I was often very lonely and prayed earnestly to God for his support. I wanted to continue being taught in His school so that I could be faithful to Him until the end of my life. Although my daughter lived with me, along with her husband and children, my house always felt empty. They cared for me so that I wouldn’t feel lonely and miss my husband so painfully. But I longed for the warmth and love of a man like I used to have. Even more than that, I longed for God’s love.”

The blessing of children

Anatoli: “After my wife’s funeral, we were gathered with our family. Quite unexpectedly, my eldest daughter said to me: ‘Dad, we children would like to wish you something. At fifty-five, you are much too young to be alone. For your next birthday, we wish that you will remarry. We promise you that we will call the woman you marry Mom.’”

Out of courtesy, I thanked my children for blessing me in this matter. However, at the time I wasn't yet aware of how important it is to receive such a blessing from children. Without it, one cannot expect success in a second marriage.

I'd like to look ahead a bit: When I received a clear answer from the Lord that I should marry Olga, my second wife, I spoke with my children and told them that I wanted to marry Sister Olga. My children were unanimously willing to pray with me about it. We all waited as a family for God's answer. The children prayed that I would have a wife they could call Mother. That was a very blessed time, during which we grew even closer as a family. I am very grateful to my children for their blessing and support. Because of this, my marriage to Olga was under God's blessing, and we were able to begin a fulfilling life together.

Olga: “After Anatoli and I met and he proposed, I told my daughter Natasha and asked for her advice. While she supported my desire to get married again, she said she wanted to get to know Anatoli first. This opportunity soon arose. When Anatoli called me one day, my daughter answered. He immediately asked her if she knew about him and what she thought of his proposal. When my daughter told him she didn't know him at all, Anatoli suggested they meet. They met shortly afterward at an acquaintance's house, and they all quickly became friends. From then on, I had my daughter's trust in this matter. That gave me the courage to take the plunge and accept his proposal.”

From initial contact to application

Anatoli: “I had been praying to God for some time, asking Him to guide my future. I also asked for His will regarding remarriage. One day, my brother and his nephew, who attends the church in the town of Irslingen, offered to let me visit him and meet a sister who is also widowed. I accepted the invitation and on Sunday after church, I went with my brother and his wife to their nephew's house in Irslingen. Olga was also there.”

Lord, I know this will not be an easy part of my life. I also know that love is with you alone. Please give me more of your love so that my wife may be happy with me. (Anatoli)

The meeting was a big challenge for me: I felt very embarrassed to look in her direction alone. I was fully aware that I have such a large family and that the entire burden of care and attention would rest on her shoulders. I must embarrassingly confess that I failed to fulfill my task of getting to know her that evening. After dinner, I hid by playing with my brother's grandchildren on his large property. In the evening, we prayed together and sang some Christian songs. Afterward, we all went our separate ways.

A few months later, I was invited to my nephew's house again. Olga also received a hidden invitation. At that point, she didn't know I would be there. This time I was bolder, and the meeting was more successful as a result. We sat at the table, and I asked her how she was doing after her husband's death. Olga told me about her grief and her feelings. She described how she felt after losing her beloved husband, with whom she had lived in love and harmony for twenty-eight years. She also told us about her daughter, Natasha. Olga also shared how she and her husband had come to faith ten years earlier and become members of the congregation in Irslingen.

That evening we talked about many things. When it was my turn and I mentioned that I, too, was widowed, Olga was very surprised. She hadn't known why she'd been invited that day. She felt a little uncomfortable when I talked about myself. I want to honestly say that I really appreciated Olga's openness that evening. We've been married for twelve years since then. I've admired her openness ever since.

From that evening on, I prayed earnestly to God to know His will. I presented a distress to God, just as I had done before my first marriage in my youth. Not long after, I received God's answer: I should trust only Him, and He would lead me on the new and vibrant path. Upon receiving this answer, I decided to act immediately. I called the pastor and asked him to speak with Sister Olga and ask her to propose marriage on my behalf. While I waited for the answer, my whole family and I prayed for this.

The hour of decision

Anatoli: “A few days later, I called Sister Olga and offered to answer all her questions. We talked about topics such as our families, our children and relatives, and also about our philosophies on life. We spoke often after that, but at the end of each call, she said that I shouldn't be offended if she decided to reject the application. I assured her that it was her right, but at the same time, I hoped it wouldn't happen.”

Olga: “Some time passed after my husband passed away. Eventually, my pastor approached me and told me that I had received a marriage proposal from Brother Anatoli. At first, I reacted negatively, and my initial decision was also negative. But the Lord was working in my heart. I prayed fervently and asked for an answer from the Lord, because I was aware of the responsibility. Fear and worry accompanied me. At the same time, I felt a deep peace in my heart. Many questions arose within me: Would I be able to take on such a large family? Would I be able to give them what they needed after they had gone through the loss of their mother? My concern wasn't that I wouldn't get along with Anatoli, because I already had many years of married life. After all, I longed for love and warmth. Above all, for God's love.”

I spent many sleepless nights in prayer and reflection. We had only met twice before, and my daughter Natasha didn't yet know Anatoli. Her opinion, however, was very important to both of us. Anatoli received wisdom from God and invited us all to his nephew Slavik's house to get to know each other and share our thoughts. That evening, we all became friends, and this was a great affirmation for me.

After a few days, I shared my answer with my pastor and agreed. We've now been married for twelve years and have a wonderful family. I truly love my husband. I receive a lot of warmth from him, and I strive to be a good helper to him. We are happy together. Thank God for that!

Love sacrifices itself for the good of the other. Don't compare yourselves to former spouses. Accept each other as you are. (Anatoli)

The support of our friends

Anatoli: “By the grace of God, I have many faithful friends who support me on my path of discipleship. They worried greatly about me and prayed a lot for my marriage to Olga. Brother Alexander Konradi was a member of our congregation at that time. He was my matchmaker and a great support to me, because he had walked the same path and was in his second marriage. He was happily married to his wife Valentina, who was and is a true friend of my Olga. Even after the death of Brother Alexander Konradi, Valentina did not lose her balance, and she is still a faithful servant to many sisters in the congregation in Zweibrücken.”

Some friends who had known my first wife and had been close family friends for many years were very interested in how Olga and I were doing in our second marriage. Many cautiously asked if everything was alright. They were aware of the common feeling of embarrassment after a second marriage. To my regret, I realized that this had also caused me a certain shyness around my friends for a long time. I felt a little ashamed in front of them that there was now another woman standing beside me. At the same time, I also became aware that this shyness often pushed me away from my wife and that it hurt her deeply. When I understood this in a conversation with a good friend, it was very painful. I worked hard on it, and now, with God's help, this hurdle has also been overcome.

Entering into a second marriage is a special challenge. I first had to learn how to act correctly before God and my new family. (Olga)

Olga: “Entering into a second marriage is a special challenge. I first had to learn how to act correctly before God and my new family. On top of that, I had to change congregations. Fortunately, the members welcomed me as if I had always been one of them. I met sincere sisters who support me to this day. I am especially grateful to Sister Valentina Konradi, from whom I could always seek advice. She is a very experienced and wise woman who always gave me sound guidance regarding my second marriage. She taught me never to complain and to bear everything with patience. I always appreciated that very much because I knew she spoke from her own experience.”

The difficulties of remarriage: Our advice

Anatoli: “We got married on May 10, 2008. My intention was to celebrate as modestly as possible, because I thought that a second marriage wasn't as much of a reason to celebrate as the first. Luckily, our children were wiser than I was in this regard and got their way. They prepared a proper wedding celebration for us with a rich program of speeches and many guests. They also witnessed before God that we promised to be faithful to each other, to honor our parents, and to call them Mom and Dad (at that time, I only had my mother left). Olga promised to accept my children as her own, and I promised to accept her daughter as my own. Today, we have a large, happy family with thirteen children, fifty-five grandchildren, and one great-granddaughter.”

However, difficulties arose after the celebration. We have already mentioned some. There were many others.

First and foremost is the love for children, who need warmth, care, attention, and a mother's love at every age. Otherwise, they will always feel like strangers in the family. (Olga)

Olga: “What I want to share here with my dear sisters who wish to remarry are the most common difficulties a woman faces in her second marriage. First and foremost is the love for the children, who need warmth, care, attention, and a mother's love at every age. Otherwise, they will always feel like strangers in the family. Love is a divine quality. Therefore, it can never tire anyone. Let us pass this love on to the children. Only in this way can we become their true friends and build genuine trust with them. For me, it was clear that my own ego must die when I, as a woman, enter a stranger's house to be a mother and wife. You have to bring love and warmth into that house, and you have no right to hurt the children. You must love and cherish everything that has to do with your new husband, especially his children.”

At first, I was plagued by great worries. I was even jealous of Anatoly's first wife. But in the end, God gave me the strength to love the woman who came before me, because she gave me so many wonderful children and a wonderful husband. This is my advice to you: Love the woman who came before you and gave you the opportunity to join the family after her. It will make things much easier for you, and it will be easier to understand and accept your new situation.

I prayed a lot about it until God gave me a dream. I saw a white room with white furniture. Lilia, Anatoli's first wife, came into the room. I was standing next to the dresser, and she offered to buy the furniture for me. I replied that I had no money. She said it wouldn't cost much. Then I asked her why she was leaving me alone. She answered that she knew who she would be entrusting it to and that I would be able to do it. When I woke up, this was a clear answer for me. From then on, many things became easier because I knew what mission I had to fulfill. I am also very grateful to our children for their unwavering support and love.

Remarriage is a great sacrifice. You have to humble yourself. It's not like the first marriage. Everyone already has their own opinions, their own ideas, and their own outlook on life. I had to change a lot. I often struggled with feelings of being offended because it seemed to me that my family members only saw me as a second wife. It seemed to me as if I was doing everything wrong. Many people watched us and didn't believe we could be happy together. There were even instances where our children were turned against me. Thank God the children were wise and rejected this hostility. My family gave me the strength to withstand all these difficulties.

Anatoli: “A second or third Christian marriage is still a marriage, and therefore it should be built on biblical principles. Only then can one hope for blessing and success in the marriage. It is often overlooked that a Christian marriage is based on the Bible and does not depend on age. The mystery from Ephesians 5:31 applies to everyone, young and old. Often, the intention behind a second marriage is no longer as pure and based on humility as in the first marriage. Often, a second marriage is not based on true love, but on self-love and egoism. For example, one hears that the children are not accepted and that one's own life is more important.”

First marriage is taken very seriously. The members are thoroughly instructed throughout the preparation period to ensure they are compatible, love one another, and will faithfully serve the Lord. This is the foundation of every marriage. Members must also be carefully prepared for remarriage. Remarriage, too, requires the consent of the parents and even the consent of the children of both partners. If the children do not consent, the church ministers must speak with them, instruct them, and pray for their blessing. If you find yourself lacking love, take as much time as you need to ask God for it.

Remarriage also requires the consent of the parents and even the consent of the children of both partners. (Anatoli)

We hope that our testimony will encourage and help someone to understand and fulfill God's will correctly. We sincerely desire that our brothers and sisters may also be joyful and blessed in their second marriage.

Anatoli and Olga Janzen
Municipality of Zweibrücken