Overcoming alienation in marriage

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Is it possible for married couples in Christian marriages to become strangers and drift apart? And if so, how can it happen that people who were once so close hardly find time for each other anymore and merely function mechanically together? In this text, we want to reflect more deeply on ourselves and our married life.

What alienation means

We begin by reading from the Letter to the Colossians: “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with one another and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone else, just as Christ forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of God rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.” (Colossians 3:12-15)

Love is the bond of perfection. That's what the biblical text tells us. Love transcends all the aforementioned qualities such as kindness, humility, gentleness, and so on. Only when we have put on love does a kind of perfect unity arise. Love itself is the bond that completes or holds together all these spiritual gifts and qualities. It is the bond of perfection. A bond that has the task of holding something together must be intact at every point and must not have even the slightest cracks. Otherwise, there is a risk that the bond will weaken and eventually break. In marriage, such cracks can appear in the bond of love. The result is an estrangement between the spouses.

But what exactly is estrangement, and how can it be overcome to mend the bond? Estrangement can be described as becoming strangers to one another over time, or as growing apart. A Bible school teacher once told us, "Brothers and sisters, you will see that after the first few years of marriage, the substance of your love will be tested. The strength of your love will be put to the test." He supported this statement with further explanations about the highs and lows of married life that must be overcome together. Becoming strangers to one another as a married couple over time is one of these lows. Is it important for us Christians to reflect on this? I think so!

What are the causes?

Is it even possible for married couples in Christian marriages to become strangers and drift apart? I think it is possible – and it's important to grapple with this issue. Only when we examine ourselves closely will we perhaps discover that we have already experienced similar situations or are even currently in the midst of such a phase of estrangement. How can it happen that people who were once so close become strangers to one another? And this doesn't necessarily refer to a physical separation, where the spouses have separate rooms or even get divorced. No, I don't want to go that far. It's more about what begins much earlier, hidden deep within. The core of a marriage, its inner unity, slowly disintegrates. How can something like this happen?

A simple yet very common example of the beginning of estrangement is when men become so intensely involved in their careers or other work that they have no time left for their families, and especially for their wives. Another frequent reason why husbands and wives drift apart in marriage can be children. When daily life revolves solely around the children, when what connects us gradually becomes limited to our shared children and daily worries, estrangement can occur.

Even personal goals we try to achieve alongside our marriage, or separate interests we don't share, often lead to a lack of time for our spouse. And even ministry within the church can contribute to estrangement, especially when it leaves no time for family and the marriage is neglected. Whether it's one of these causes or a combination of several, the practical outcome is always the same: the spouse becomes less and less of a focus, is increasingly neglected, and love cools.

A gradual process with consequences

The typical case of estrangement is that it progresses like a creeping, inner separation. The dangerous thing about it is that you often don't even realize how you're becoming strangers to each other. It's not that you no longer greet each other, talk to each other, or exchange affection. But over time, you notice – the familiarity that existed at the beginning of the marriage is no longer there! And let's take a moment to think back to the beginning of our marriage: What was it like back then, in the first days and months after the wedding? How close were we to our spouse? How intimate was our relationship, how close our bond? We can examine ourselves by looking at this. Did we have our own interests, goals, and plans back then? Was work or spending time together more important to us? Did our intimacy with each other grow and deepen?

Estrangement is a gradual process of losing intimacy. It's not that love abruptly ends overnight, no. But it's a creeping process that unfolds over time, sometimes years.

The consequence of such a gradual estrangement is that the marriage eventually functions more or less mechanically. It continues to function simply because certain everyday things are organized and settled—namely, who takes care of what, who does what and when. But on a deeper level, the intimacy between husband and wife is often no longer present. And then it can happen that a marriage appears fine from the outside, but inside it functions only mechanically. The ordinary, everyday aspects of family life are carried out, but there is no substance, no deep affection, no closeness.

Besides the very practical consequences of estrangement, another important point comes into play: the spouse loses value! I would compare it to a treasure, as described in Proverbs: “A virtuous woman—who can find her? She is worth far more than rubies!” (Proverbs 31:10). The Bible says that even finding precious pearls is not the same as finding a wife for life. At the beginning of a marriage, one has received a very, very valuable treasure! In God's eyes, the giver, the value of the treasure does not diminish, but in our human eyes, the partner slowly loses value over time.

Is your marriage affected?

And now the question arises for each of us personally: Is this treasure still as precious to me today? What does my husband or wife mean to me now? Not back then, shortly after the wedding, but right now! What situation am I in? Where do we stand in our marriage? Do I recognize that estrangement has already crept into our lives? You can easily check yourself. Spouses who have grown apart are more prone to hurting each other. Not that they necessarily want to. But it simply happens more quickly because they are no longer living and thinking entirely on the same level. Their minds are often elsewhere, they are more easily distracted, and perhaps more easily irritated or even annoyed. A loveless word is then quickly spoken and accelerates the estrangement even further.

It's a perfectly logical consequence: when something loses value in our eyes, we no longer pay as much attention to it. Initially, it's very precious to us, and then at some point, it isn't. For example, let's say we received a gold bar as a gift, or something else of great value. At first, we're amazed at how valuable the gold bar is. But over time, we get used to owning it, and it no longer seems so valuable. Even though the gold bar still has the same intrinsic value! This is how it is with most things in life. We get used to them too quickly and soon stop appreciating their value. If this happens with our spouse, it's particularly critical.

And now what?

Once we've identified this problem in our marriage, it's crucial to consider how we can resolve it. Essentially, there's only one way out, only one who can truly heal our marriage: JESUS! HE is the way out. HE is the solution. We must come to HIM with this problem.

But the fundamental prerequisite is that we, as spouses, whether man or woman, first recognize that we are in this situation. Because you don't always notice it immediately. It's a gradual process that develops over time, and then – once you've recognized where you stand – it suddenly becomes crystal clear. Suddenly you understand: "Yes, this and that is happening because I've become estranged."

One must analyze the situation, recognize the problem, and then be willing to address it. It's important to take the first step and not wait for the other person to do so. If, through God's grace, I have recognized that something is amiss in this relationship, either between us or even just within myself, then I must be prepared to address the issue. Together, we should then analyze how we became estranged. How could this happen? What are the causes in our specific case? And then, after we have reconciled and clarified everything, we should bring this understanding together in prayer to our Lord and Savior. We must bring our problems and weaknesses to Him, for only He can heal the broken bond of love and give us the long-term strength not to fall back into old habits.

Back to the origin

We now want to examine our marriage in more detail. It's also important, for preventative reasons, that we reflect from time to time on what things were like, especially at the beginning of our marriage. What made me love my partner? What was it like in our early days together? How deeply could I love? How quickly could I forgive? What did we have in common? How did we complement and support each other? These and similar questions can help us get to the heart of our relationship and gain clarity about our current situation. And if we're honest with each other, we might identify some problems and talk about them. Talk about why things have turned out the way they have. And talk about how we want to improve these things in the future.

Many married couples find themselves in a situation similar to the one described: First, there are the children, who are often born in quick succession. On top of that, one wants to do something for the Lord in addition to being involved with family. And then there are siblings or parents whom one wants to help with this or that. Not to mention the many, many duties and extraordinary demands that one has to fulfill and overcome in everyday life. One tries to do justice to everyone and everything and at some point realizes: Something has changed between us! The way we treat each other is no longer the same as it used to be.

Having reached this point, it's important to understand that we must return to the origin. Back to the origin of our marriage and back to Jesus. If we do this and pray about it wholeheartedly, then we will be healed. However, not everything that needs to be put right immediately works perfectly again and runs smoothly. It takes time for the inner healing to fully affect our actions. It's a time when we need to have great faith in God, put our own goals aside, and scale back our personal affairs here and there. And it's a time when we, as a married couple, must seek the Lord together. And then, in time, things will be like they were in the beginning.

Recognize the signs

For a marriage to be healed, it is crucial not to let the situation of estrangement continue. If you notice that your attitude, your approach, or your interactions with your spouse have deteriorated, then you must act promptly. Because we must be absolutely clear about one thing: Satan wants to destroy marriages! That is his stated goal. He wants to destroy Christian marriages above all because they are a reflection of the church of Jesus Christ. And we must not allow that to happen. In the world, couples separate when things are no longer going smoothly together. But we have the responsibility to forgive and reconcile.

Take time for your marriage

We spend a lot of time at work. We also spend a lot of time serving the Lord, and we spend a lot of time with our children. Everything in life has its time. But we also need time when we are without children. Time for ourselves, for my partner and me. As a married couple, we need this time for just the two of us, and we absolutely must make time for it! Because how can we be united if we don't have fellowship with each other? It simply doesn't work.

We really need to make time for each other, without hiding behind work, ministry, or children. Because we should always keep in mind that the relationship between husband and wife is the most important. It's even more important than the relationship between a father or mother and their children. If the relationship between husband and wife isn't healthy, the relationship with the children won't be good in the long run either. It's essential that the relationship between husband and wife primarily reflects God's word. And then the Lord will help in all other aspects of their life together.

Marriage – a deep friendship

There's one thing I'd like to share with you from personal experience. We shouldn't forget to see our spouse as our best friend. Do you and your partner have a friendly relationship? Is your connection so close that you can truly tell each other everything, that you can laugh and cry together? Is that deep bond still there? Sometimes it's hard to tell your partner everything.

Sometimes we'd rather not say something that's weighing on our minds and hide it away in the depths of our souls. We all have such depths. We'd like to simply conceal certain things there. But we shouldn't. We should be open and willing, as a married couple, as two people who have promised to be faithful to each other for life, to truly laugh and cry together in all situations, to understand each other, and to talk about everything. That is very, very important.

The bond of perfection

As we saw at the beginning, love is the bond of perfection. And if this bond develops cracks, it will eventually break. Our task is to ensure that this bond in our marriage does not break. The Lord desires that the fruit of the Spirit (cf. Gal 5:22) leads us to this bond being reliably stitched together at every point. That there are no cracks, not a single small gap through which anything foreign can penetrate and destroy something within us. If we allow marriage and its significance to become precious again through the work of Jesus' love in our hearts, then we can be certain that alienation will be transformed into a harmonious and loving marriage.

May God help us in this.

Roman Rose, Municipality of Speyer