Who is the God of my children?

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False idols - the unrecognized cause

Raising children is often fraught with disappointment for parents. However, the seemingly rebellious and incomprehensible behavior of children is linked to a deeper cause, namely the one that governs their hearts.

The following will address three questions that are very closely linked to the idea of our children's idolatry.

1. Why do my children do what they do?

Children's behavior is often opaque and difficult for their parents to understand, especially when it doesn't align with the parents' educational goals and values. Let's consider a classic example: A child throws a loud tantrum at the checkout because they don't get what they want. Where does this sudden, exaggerated reaction come from?

Another example is a teenager who suddenly becomes noticeably preoccupied with his appearance and his effect on others, while simultaneously seeking recognition on social media and yet seeming to be completely dissatisfied with himself and his appearance.

The unnoticed idolatry

The explanation for such behavior lies in the concept of worship . Every person serves and worships someone—if it isn't God, it's someone else. Our children's behavior reveals whom or what they worship and who their idol is. Who, then, is the god of a child who throws a tantrum when their wishes aren't fulfilled? Isn't that child a god to themselves, wanting to be the center of attention and refusing to acknowledge the authority of either God or their mother?

Even a teenager who has become so preoccupied with their appearance and the approval of others is in this state of idolatry. Perhaps we as parents are inclined to see the problems as our daughter wasting a lot of time, becoming very vain, and suffering from severe self-doubt. But in reality, all these behaviors are more the effect than the cause. Conversely, it won't be very effective to impose certain rules on the daughter, take away her cell phone, or more closely monitor her circle of friends.

Instead, we should ask ourselves: what motivates these children, what gives them peace, contentment, and identity? What do they see as their personal purpose? If the answer is not God, then it is a false idolatry. The Bible clearly condemns idolatry:

• “You shall have no other gods before me” (Exodus 20:3).
• “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5).
• “Beware lest your heart be deceived and you turn aside and serve other gods and bow down to them” (Deuteronomy 11:16).
• “And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the hearts of your descendants, so that you may love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and that you may live” (Deuteronomy 30:6).
• “Do not turn aside, for you would be following worthless people, who neither profit nor save, for they are worthless” (1 Samuel 12:21).
• “You sons of men, how long will my glory be put to shame? How long will you love vain things and seek lies?” (Psalm 4:3).
• “For all the gods of the nations are vanities, but the Lord made the heavens” (Ps 96:5).

These Bible passages reveal that the worship of our hearts governs what happens in our lives and the lives of our children. Every day, a battle for worship takes place in our hearts and theirs.

The core of worship

Most people associate the term " worship " with something formal: the gathering of believers who worship the Lord in their songs, prayers, and praise. However, worship is also something quite fundamental; it's something we do all day long, and we're often not even aware of it. We can also describe worship as the inclination that makes us seek out what gives us identity and purpose. It's the hunger for inner peace, and therefore a lifelong pursuit of God, since we find peace only in Him.

In search of fulfillment

Every human being has an inner longing for life, peace, identity, hope, and meaning. It is a longing that should lead us to our Creator, to find fulfillment in these areas with Him, to experience His help, and to serve Him. But through sin, the worship and service of the Creator are exchanged for the worship and service of creation , and thus our behavior is influenced by a perverse inner drive.

Every child worships something from birth. This can include anything God has created. It doesn't happen consciously, but our children's hearts will belong to something. If material possessions give our children identity, then they will also be focused on visible things. Their words and actions will be directed accordingly. If a person seeks fulfillment in the approval of others, then they will orient their entire life toward gaining approval from people through specific actions. And if a child finds comfort in exerting control, they will defy their parents' authority, make their own rules, and thereby try to take God's place.

However, this behavior leads to misplaced demands, dissatisfaction, ambition, and pride. Likewise, all joyful things such as willingness, submission, respect, responsibility, honor, peacemaking, and making good decisions are rooted in the worship of our hearts.

A clear case of mistaken identity

This idea becomes even clearer when we consider the biblical passage in the first chapter of Romans: “ They exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is forever praised. Amen. [...] And because they did not think it good to have a knowledge of God, God gave them over to a depraved mind to do what ought not to be done. They were filled with every kind of unrighteousness, malice, covetousness, and wickedness. They were full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, and malice. They were gossips, slanderers, God-haters, violent, proud, boastful, inventors of evil, disobedient to their parents, foolish, faithless, without natural love, without mercy. Even though they knew God’s righteous judgment that those who practice such things deserve death, they not only practiced them but also approved of those who practice them ” (Romans 11:12). 1,25,28-32).

Here, human character traits are linked to the most important human task of worship, and it becomes clear how misguided idolatry influences a person's character. At the same time, the biblical passage makes it clear that only when our hearts are ruled by God can we respond to our life circumstances in a way that pleases Him.

The character traits mentioned in the biblical text are things that affect us and our children in daily life: envy, strife, deceit, gossip, wickedness, pride, boasting, lack of understanding, and foolishness.

It is very important to understand where our children's character problems come from and to address this misguided worship of our children.

2. How can change happen in the hearts and lives of children?

Focus on the essentials

To answer this question, we must be aware of a fundamental truth regarding the upbringing of our children. As parents, we should understand that the highest goal for our children is not their good education, a good job, or a good marriage. Our children were made for God; they are called to find life, hope, identity, and meaning in God. They are meant to dedicate their will and talents entirely to God and to willingly remain within the boundaries set by God.

Nevertheless, many parents unconsciously separate the Christian faith from their everyday lives. While they want their children to come to faith, attend church, and do what is right, they primarily focus all their energy on ensuring their children do well in school, behave well, and excel in sports and music.

But as a result, they lose focus on their children's hearts and miss the moments of grace when God reveals their children's hearts to them. God does this so that parents become effective instruments of deliverance by teaching their children the importance of confession and repentance . If parents were capable of changing their children's behavior, Jesus wouldn't have needed to come to this earth to offer us His grace.

Divine guidance

The focus should therefore not be on our children's arguments, their school performance, their circle of friends, or the mess in their room. The time they spend on their phones or social media, their eating habits, or hobbies should also not be the focus.

All these things are important because they show what our children's interests are and what they occupy themselves with daily. But it's crucial to understand that these things don't make our children who they are. Nor are they the cause of what our children do. They merely reveal what is important to our children and, consequently, what holds their hearts. Trying to correct these things, which are actually a result of our children's inner state, will therefore not lead to lasting change.

It is truly important to understand that our children are worshippers. Only then can we discern what is happening in their lives. God wants to reveal to us what is going on in our children's hearts, and He uses their everyday responsibilities, opportunities, relationships, and temptations to do so. It is His will that we and our children recognize what is trying to take God's place in their lives. He wants us to see what is gaining control over their thoughts, desires, feelings, decisions, hopes, and dreams. It is His will to save, and it is our parental responsibility to protect our children from idolatry.

Dealing with sin

As mentioned earlier, we can never change our children's behavior through mere control, at least not in the long term. No matter how good we are at controlling their decisions and behavior, our control will not be able to fulfill a much deeper need of our children.

We read about this need in Psalm 51: “[3] Be gracious to me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your mercy blot out my transgressions. [4] Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. [5] For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. [6] Against you, against you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so that when you speak you may be justified, when you judge you may be found clean. [7] Behold, in unrighteousness I was born, and in sin did my mother conceive me. [8] Behold, you delight in truth within, and in the secret place you will make wisdom known to me. [9] Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. [10] Let me hear gladness and joy; let the bones you have crushed rejoice. [11] Hide your face from my sins, and blot out all my iniquities. [12] Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew in me a steadfast spirit. [13] Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take the Spirit of your holiness from me! [14] " Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and with a willing spirit sustain me! " (Ps 51:3-14).

These verses are very helpful in understanding the deeper needs of our children. David's confession is not just a casual remark; it is David's profound insight into having more than just a "behavioral problem." He confesses specific, concrete sins by pleading for God's help. This state is also essential for our children and can even be examined in several sub-points.

Our children must see their sin, for only then will they plead with God for mercy (verse 3).

David's cry in Psalm 1 is one that everyone should utter. And yet we know that many people do not. The realization that we carry a great danger within us and can only be freed from it through God's urgent help is indispensable for sincere repentance. Acknowledging one's own sin is an absolute prerequisite.

Our children must understand the nature of sin so that they do not downplay its dangers (verses 4-5).

Our children don't understand the nature of sin from a young age. How important it is to help them understand that they themselves lack the capacity to live as God intended and commanded. Divine intervention is necessary, and it's essential to clearly demonstrate to our children the life-destroying danger and nature of sin.

Our children need to understand that their problem is not with their parents, but with God (verse 6).

The nature of sin also includes the fact that every sin has a vertical orientation. It is directed primarily against God and is therefore a declaration of independence from God; an attempt to write one's own laws and to dethrone God. How important it is that our children understand against whom they are truly rebelling.

Our children need to understand that sin is a problem in their nature and that behavioral problems result from it (verse 7).

David confesses his greatest problem: his sinful nature. He recognizes sin not primarily as specific behaviors, but as his condition, from which he needs deliverance. Our children, too, find themselves in this sinful state and must reach the point where they confess that wrongness lives within them and that they therefore urgently need God's liberating, forgiving, transforming, and redeeming mercy.

Our children must understand that the only remedy for sin is a new heart. For sin is a problem of the heart (verse 12).

Sin is therefore the greatest affliction of our children, and it is important that they recognize the need to receive a new heart. For this reason, Jesus accepted the cruelty of his death on the cross—to set our children free. The path to hope is hopelessness, and it leads into the forgiving and justifying arms of the Redeemer.

3. How can I become a tool for changing the hearts and lives of my children?

To be a spiritual aid to vision

Sin, as we know, is deceptive and blinds. For this reason, we as parents should strive to be a "spiritual guide" for our children. This doesn't mean that simply setting rules and enforcing punishments is enough, nor is it enough to give lectures. If we see something wrong in our children's lives that they don't recognize as wrong, they will resist our help and see no reason to change.

If our children don't see something as wrong, they won't be saddened by it, and consequently, they won't confess what they don't recognize as wrong. And ultimately, if they don't confess, they can't turn from their path. Jesus prophesied: “ I will lead the blind by ways they haven't known, and I will guide them along paths they haven't followed; I will turn the darkness before them into light and the rough places into smooth terrain. These are the things I will do and will not forsake ” (Isaiah 42:16).

Give light

Helping our children see and acknowledge what motivates their actions and desires is Jesus Christ's mission for us. Raising children isn't just about pushing them into certain behaviors. Instead, we should help them see so that they willingly embrace those behaviors. Every day we should give our children light—light so they can recognize what is in their hearts.

It's important to recognize that our children resist our help because they believe they don't need it. Opening their eyes is a crucial step in bringing about change in their lives. We should constantly ask ourselves what God wants to make clear to our child in a given situation. What is it that our children don't yet see? How can we help them see it?

Leading our children to the faith

For us as parents, it is important to learn how to guide our children to confession. The temptation may be strong to threaten them with consequences, to accuse them of wrongdoing, or to instill guilt and a bad conscience in them in a harsh way. Sometimes, we as parents are even tempted to insult, condemn, or compare our children to other children. But none of this opens our children's hearts, and it usually doesn't open their eyes either. Such things can anger children and put them on the defensive. They lose sight of their own hearts and focus instead on their parents, and thus we stand in the way of what Jesus wants to accomplish in the hearts of our children.

For our children to confess wrongdoing, we need gentle, patient, understanding, and explanatory conversations with them. These conversations should encourage our children to examine things they previously didn't consider wrong and to take responsibility for their thoughts, desires, and decisions that lead to their actions. It is not our role to be accusers and punish our children. It is our role to awaken in our children the desire and longing for the redeeming and transformative power of God's grace. Therefore, we should ask ourselves daily where God is calling our children to take responsibility for their thoughts, desires, decisions, and actions. Above all, we as parents should ask ourselves how we can help them in this.

 

If parents were capable of changing their children's behavior, Jesus would not have needed to come to this earth to offer us His grace.

We are not saviors

We should also be aware that we cannot personally free our children from their greatest problem. We can teach them, warn them, and try to protect them. We can be role models, discipline them, and correct them. But we cannot free them from the natural idolatry of their hearts. This admission does not mean that we must abandon our parenting. Rather, it is the very soil from which effective and grace-filled parenting grows. Only when we confess our own inadequacy do we understand what our children truly need. It is God-given self-knowledge, God-given conviction, and God-given commitment to change. Only through this will our children realize that they need parental help and, even more so, the help of their Heavenly Father.

His grace – our only hope

From this statement follows directly an important spiritual truth. If no parental help is powerful enough to free our children from their hearts, there is only one place where that help can be found: the person and work of the Lord Jesus Christ. This does not mean that we can do nothing. It means that everything we do should be done with the desire to be useful instruments in the powerful hands of Jesus. We should present God's standard to our children, lovingly point out their wrong choices and actions, and help them to come to insight.

But we should also be humble and honest regarding our own inner struggles. We should continually point to the grace and patience found in Jesus Christ and model forgiveness. We should do this out of conviction that the Savior is in us, with us, and for us.

Our children – our mirror

One final, crucial point is the realization that we are far more alike than dissimilar to our children. If we wish to serve as instruments in our children's lives, we must remember that their struggles for adoration are often very similar to our own. We, too, allow good things in our hearts to turn bad because they increasingly take over. We, too, are prone to blindness, and we, too, need liberation. This admission can free us from our self-righteousness and lead us to genuinely empathize with our children.

A battle of humility

We will no longer reproach our children for having been better or more sensible than they are. We will no longer say things like, "When I was your age, I never even considered such a thing," or "I can't believe you would even think of doing something like that." No one practices grace better or more willingly than someone who recognizes that they themselves desperately need it.

We should approach everything we do with our children with a humble and grateful heart. We should willingly offer all our time, gifts, energy, and resources as God's instruments for raising our children. Everyday conflicts like food, friends, homework, bedtime, or clothing arise only because a deeper battle is raging within our children. Our interactions with them should be designed to help our children win this battle. Our parenting should serve the salvation, liberation, and transformation of our children. And we can trust that God will provide us with everything we need to participate in this deeper struggle.

Paul David Tripp

From “Being a Dad, Being a Mom – Parents Are God’s Ambassadors”, CLV, summarized from chapters 10 to 12.

Bible quotations follow the Elberfeld translation 2003, Edition CSV Hückeswagen.